The Book Of The Dead
I shall leave you to explore all the delicious ways of meeting death offered by the Disc (you certainly won't have to go far to find one), and proceed directly to what happens you do.
However prepared you are, dying is always going to be a bit of a bugger; but despair ye not. The recently implemented Achievements system kindly awards you 5000
XP for your first death, as a rather nice consolation prize.
This might be a good time to mention, however, one of the biggest drawbacks of dying: you can lose, if not all, then certainly a good percentage of your precious
XP.
We'll look at this distressing aspect of death in
Resurrection, since it is the return to life which generally does the main damage. For now, let us just note that if you're about to do something dangerous, or merely wish to meet Death and say Hi, that it is a good idea to start by spending as much of your
XP as possible.
Sothis Dies, and Meets Death; Also Some Helpful Dwarfs
So, back to the main enquiry, which is: what happens when I die?
I bravely went to find out, and got myself mugged by a guard in Genua.
Here's what happened next.
You no longer feel flustered.
>
Someone says: MY, WE'VE BEEN A BIT CARELESS, HAVEN'T WE? SHALL WE POPPADOM TO THE NEXT DIMENSION?
You turn and see Death standing behind you.
Death says: LET'S HAVE NO ARGY BHAJI.
Death says: JUST LET ME FIX THESE LITTLE WINGS ON YOU...
Death says: I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO STAY, DO YOU?
Death says: I REALLY DON'T LIKE DOING ALL THESE FAVOURS FOR YOU PEOPLE.
Death says: I MEAN, WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?
Death says: I THINK I'LL BE SEEING A LOT OF YOU SOMEHOW.
Death says: ENOUGH OF THAT. I WONDER IF THE FISH ARE BITING...
Death gets back onto Binky and rides away.
Yes, just as he does for those of a magical persuasion, Death has arrived in person, just for you! (Or in this case, me.)
Death has a random selection of things he might say to you, although it may be moderated by which god you follow (if you follow one), and how long it's been since your previous brush with mortality.
However, Death is a very busy anthropomorphic personification, and, sadly, has little time to spare for chatting to the recently departed. However, you are not alone for long:
You hear a pattering of many tiny feet.
The ground suddenly opens up in front of your feet and a bunch of manically grinning dwarfs pop out and start bouncing around in front of you.
With a huge smile one of the grinning dwarfs whispers in your ear: Here, take this book - it'll tell you everything you need to know. But don't mention it to Death. Ok?
Without waiting, they all leap back into the hole which slowly closes after them.
Hmmm. Your corpse, with all your money and possessions, lies out of your reach in the mortal lands. You, wispy thing that you are, may hold or touch nothing... but this rather fetching dark brown book.
r book
You read the cover of the dark brown book:
Written in weirdly glowing letters:
Introduction to death, or what to do when your blood runs out
Prologue Introduction to Death Page 1
Introduction to Death
Welcome to the Introduction to Death (or what to do when your
blood runs out). This book gives a quick guide to all dead
people in dealing with death.
It outlines how to cope with death and what organisations
exist to make your transition from life into death just that
much more pleasurable.
These pages are compiled and updated by the dead imps of
Kilmarizan. They suffered from a tragic accident with an egg
beater and a sword and have been stuck in the afterlife ever
since. After a few thousand years they decided it would be
useful to do something to pass the time. They then started
this book and began delivering it to newly dead things, such
as yourself.
I hope you find reading this book fun and enjoyable. Remember
dying is not an end, it is merely a different way of looking at
an end.
This book has 3 chapters, they are:
Chapter 1 - Oh no! I have died! What now!
Chapter 2 - Surviving death.
Chapter 3 - I am so lost, how do I get home?
How very encouraging! Let us read on.
turn book to page 2
You turn the dark brown book to page 2.
>
r book
You read page two of the dark brown book:
Written:
Chapter 1 Oh no! I have died! What now? Page 2
Oh no! I have died! What now?
You have died. You are now in the afterlife. What should you
do now?
Philosophers have been asking this question since the dawn of
time, the best answer they have come up with is: Make it up as
you go along. Things you probably wish to worry about once you
have died are finding a way to come back to life and making sure
somebody does not run off with all your ill begotten... I mean
hard earned equipment. The following chapter will go into this
subject in more depth. Finally; Do not panic!, Death is not the
end. You have much life ahead of you. Leap and jump for joy in
the knowledge you have now experienced the final pain; that pain
which will only occur once in your now very short life. Be
refreshed by the last squirming hold on the land of living and
let yourself be free to truly appreciate the freshness of the air
and the tang of the afterlife.
To help you on your way, here are some quotes from famous people
after they died:
Goodie Hamstring said 'Well done, I thought you had missed
it there'
The Abbot of the Listeners said 'I have what you might call
a season ticket'
Blackadder said 'Bugger'
Gag Halfrunt said 'Death, he's just this guy you know?'
Sigmund Frjjjed said 'Tell me death, why is that you cannot
remember how the little horse shaped ones move?'
Death doesn't care if people are good or bad, so long as they
are punctual. And kind to cats.
Hmmm, that could have been more helpful. But let's not give up too soon: perhaps page 3 will be of more use?
turn book to page 3
You turn the dark brown book to page 3.
>
r book
You read page three of the dark brown book:
Written:
Chapter 2 Surviving death Page 3
Surviving death
Now you are dead, you presumably want to come back to life?
If so, there are several methods of doing so. One method is to
track down a priest who has the right connections with the gods.
They will be able to raise you from the dead and give you a new
body. Most commonly, this takes the form of the ritual
"resurrect", which is granted to priests of Pishe. To find
these, try "who pishe".
One of the other methods is to get one of the many locations
around the Disc where the gods, or the otherwise suitably
inclined, will bring you back to life.
Some of the more useful to know about are:
The Temple of Small Gods in Ankh-Morpork. Harry (out of the
goodness of his heart, assuming you have not killed him recently)
will bring you back to life.
The Temple of Sessifet in the Klatchian city of Djelibeybi, and
the Temple of Small Gods in the town of Ohulan-Cutash, near
Lancre. If you can find either of these places, the appropriate
gods may take pity on you.
Finally, the mystic Tu Silent Llamas may help you if you are
unfortunate enough to pass on in the Agatean Empire. Look for
him on the oddly-named street called Chopsticks.
There are a few other locations scattered around the Disc where
you can get raised. Seek and ye shall find.
Now this is more like it. What else?
turn book to page 4
You turn the dark brown book to page 4.
>
r book
You read page four of the dark brown book:
Written:
Chapter 3 I am so lost, how do I get home? Page 4
I am so lost, how do I get home
If you are completely at a loss and you are dead. Try the
command 'godmother', they will take poor dead you back to Harry
to be raised. It will cost you quite a bit of life energy to
achieve this however.
If you do not wish to take this extreme option, buy some string.
Or remember to leave crumbs behind you as you walk.
Ah yes, nothing like a bit of sympathy
1 for those traumatised by their first death. Not to mention slightly inaccurate: the godmother can return you to life herself, and transport you, your corpse, and all your belongings to the place where you first entered the Disc.
Anyway...
Anything else, before we donate this tome to the nearest privy?
turn book to page 5
There are only four pages in the dark brown book.
The the dark brown book is already open at page 4.
Apparently not.
Last Words
And there we are: a brief yet priviledged glimpse at What Comes Next without having to actually go there yourself.
So now I suppose you want to know more about coming back to life? No problem, oh discorporated one...
... but are you sure you don't want to explore the Afterlife, just a little bit, first?
- And that was nothing like a bit of sympathy. Boom, boom!
